On Love

Dear Sofia,

The other day you and some children were running and playing games in a park.

The particular game you were playing was the infamous/ubiquitous 'boys chase the girls' game. 

In this particular incarnation, the rules were that the boys would try to capture a girl and then put her in jail. Meanwhile the other girls would surround the captured girl and halfheartedly try to fend off the boys. (For the record, from a parental perspective, it was all a bit disconcerting. It looked like you were yanking each other quite roughly, but every time we tried to intervene you said, "We like it.")

"I'm good at this game," you told me afterward in the car.  Which meant, I think, that you were able to wriggle your way out of the boys' grasps and remain out of jail. (I know, there are a thousand and one marriage jokes that can go here, from which I'm trying to refrain.)

"Rrr," you said and flexed your bicep at me. "See how big my muscle is. I'm stronger than the boys."

I concurred that you are strong and have mighty bicep.

I told you that I was glad that you were good at the game and could keep yourself out of jail.

And then I began to gather my wits to prepare a feminist speech about why there must be a better game whereby everyone could work together and girls wouldn't be put in jail, but were free. 

But before I could speak, you said, "Did you see that cute boy with the light brown hair and blue eyes?"

My ears perked up. I was ready.

"As a matter of fact I did," I said, nonchalant, waiting.

"Well, he growls at me. Which means that he likes me."

"That's cool." (I was trying to be cool) "Wouldn't it be nice if we could just tell someone we loved them instead of all the awkward growls."

"Yes," you said, "theoretically. But I like the growl. It's perfect"

Theoretically? How did you know this word? How did you know that a growl meant that he liked you?

And why are you so damn comfortable with everything exactly the way it is?

It made me think of how, recently, by coincidence, I have found myself in multiple discussions with several friends about this topic of love.  Both married and single people bemoaning different things about the people in their lives: either their partners were too much of one thing or not enough of another. Either way, whatever was missing in their partner or prospective partner, however they didn't match up with the idea of what they thought they wanted, the end result was that everyone was feeling completely and deeply alone.

How can we all be with each other, surrounded by each other, and yet feel so alone?, I found myself thinking. Why can't we all, like you, be comfortable with life and each other exactly the way it is?

It reminded me of my favorite love song as a child. A little known song from the play, Cinderella, called "In my own little corner." The song is, in essence, all about how extraordinary and perfect everything is when you're all by yourself, in your fantasy world. Only now, as a full blown adult, can I see the absurdity of a love song whereby you find yourself, in a fantasy world, alone and, mind you, standing in a corner. 

And this is what all of my conversations with friends had seemingly been about.  The fact that somewhere along the way we'd all gotten stuck in a fantasy world about love.

There's nothing wrong with dreaming about love, if you can move past the dream. 

But it appears that many of us seem to get stuck in the fantasy when it comes to love.

And it made me realize, if we want things to be perfect, if we want to live in a fantasy world, then we we actually will be alone (and possibly standing in a corner). Even if we have an amazing partner directly in front of us.

There's so much to learn from the simple thing you said.  Namely, that the growl was fine. What you alluded to is that one shouldn't jump to conclusions about a growl. That one should just be present for the growl, see the energy and intention behind the growl and just experience it, as you did.

And you said it was perfect. As all things truly are.

Rumi writes: "Beyond ideas, there is a field, will you meet me there?"

I love this. Imagine a place where we don't bring our preconceived notions to things or people; but where we just show up, fresh and new, and excited to experience whatever the moment and person has to offer. (Even if it comes in the form of a growl.)

This way, we can be sensitive to the beauty and perfection emanating from them, not because they match your idea of perfection (or your amalgam of movie/marketing images) but because you can appreciate the person and situation exactly as it is.

One of my teachers once said, "Is your creation better than God's?"

Use whatever word you like: God, nature, universe, existence, cosmos.

Bottom line, it's a good point.

So, let us step out of the corner, out of our imaginations, and out of our alone-ness.

Let us run to that field, and just be.

That, it seems to me, is true freedom.

That, it seems to me, is how we stay out of the jail of imposed and preconceived ideas.

I would never presume to know too much about love, especially to my daughter. 

But I feel confident that it has something to do with that Rumi quote.

In that space, what was once a faint sound, becomes audible and clear.

The call of love.

Don't miss it.

And follow it.

Thank you for reminding me not to limit love with ideas and expectations, but to have the wisdom to recognize love in it's myriad forms; and then to allow it to flow freely...

...just like children, running and playing games, in a park.

love

Ma

p.s. Wherever you are, in whatever situation you find yourself, remember, YOU ARE ALWAYS FREE.

p.p.s. Oh, and Happy Holidays

Comments

[Cris]

And ONCE AGAIN, Maylen drops some heavy grown-up truth on me via her blog to her daughter. Damn, My. Another amazing post. Jeez. Each one gets better and better.

Now, if you could do my unevolved self a fave and write your next post about HOW one steps away from hindering love fantasies, that'd be ever so helpful.

(P.S. I already know your one word response to my request. And it is....say it with me... "yoga!")

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*The person who thinks himself is happy can enjoy happiness!