Ma

Dear Sofia,

I returned from California the other day to find you calling me, "Ma."  Flat A. Just like that. 

Before, when you were a baby, you called me Mama, and then Mommy and there was a short stint when you made up your own language and called me Aste, but MA---this was new.

And I can't say I was entirely thrilled.

I don't know, I think it was because I couldn't remove the preconceived image of a "Ma" from my mind.  One of a Rubenesque woman standing over a stove top in Brooklyn stirring tomato sauce, with large sons who yell out, "Ma, I'm hungry." 

Or maybe it's just that you're getting older, and I'm getting further removed the sweet day, when I first heard you melt my heart by calling me, "Mama."

Or maybe, maybe it's that I'm projecting forward, to a day, not far away, when you'll call me by my first name--- if you'll call to me at all. 

I know, it's overly dramatic---but you know your Ma.

And then last night you lost your second tooth.  After we read a book about warrior women (a gift from a warrior woman) you put your tooth under the pillow. I was in the middle of tucking you into bed when you popped up, pulled the tooth out from under your pillow, kissed it and said, "Thank you for being with me.  Thank you for being such a good tooth and helping me eat. I love you."  And then you placed the tooth back under your pillow.

The next morning, this morning, you told me how much you missed your tooth. And how your tongue keeps looking for it.  I was about to offer some consolation about your new strong big girl tooth that was forth coming, when you said. "You know what, the space, this gap, it gives me room to play."

Of course.

You left for school and you left me thinking about how you just seem to know. You just seem to know that all we need to do is be grateful for things when they're with us. And that we should tell them how grateful we are, and then, when they're gone, we might miss them a little, but the gap, the gap proves to be a great place of freedom and play.

I realized that finding this gap is the reason I meditate. The reason I try and breathe and be present. Because in this precious internal space--- names don't matter. 

And I know, deep inside, no matter what you do or don't call me, my love for you is real and nameless.

Oh, my love, it feels like this is the theme of late, shedding skins, moving into new incarnations, from mommy to ma, from baby tooth to big girl tooth, from word filled self to space filled self.

And, thank you, once again, for reminding me that what looks like 'a missing' can actually be the room we needed to play.

Sofs, you are my greatest teacher.

I love you,

Ma!

p.s. In some of my research on Hinduism I discovered that Ma means divine mother.  It can also mean 'the world' and it represents the element water. So, you know what, I'll take it. xoxox

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This made me smile and laugh! Her smile mirrors yours (albeit with a gap in this photo!) I love you two girls!

Thinking of you,
Chris

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